99 Problems and They're All Naruto
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Sasuke's methods of attracting a mate may need work. Coffee Shop AU.


99 Problems and They're All Naruto, by Dickfart

"Actually, let's not write some hipster, coffee shop garbage today," said Sasuke, hitting a bong as Starbucks. "Let's talk about the weather."

"The weather?" said Naruto.

"Yes. Currently in Oshkosh, Nebraska: Tonight: Thunderstorms, mainly before midnight, then a chance of showers and thunderstorms after midnight. Some storms could be severe, with large hail and damaging winds. Low around 60. North northwest wind 8 to 11 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%.

Wednesday: A 30 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms, mainly before 11am. Mostly cloudy, with a high near 77. North northwest wind 8 to 10 mph.

Wednesday Night: Mostly clear, with a low around 52. North wind 5 to 9 mph becoming southwest after midnight.

Thursday: Sunny, with a high near 87. South wind 5 to 10 mph.

Thursday Night: A 20 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms before midnight. Partly cloudy, with a low around 56. South southwest wind 6 to 9 mph becoming west northwest after midnight.

Friday: Sunny, with a high near 88.

Friday Night: Mostly clear, with a low around 56.

Saturday: Sunny, with a high near 92.

Saturday Night: Partly cloudy, with a low around 61.

Sunday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 92.

Sunday Night: Partly cloudy, with a low around 61.

Monday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 88.

Monday Night: A chance of showers and thunderstorms. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 60.

Tuesday: A chance of showers and thunderstorms. Mostly sunny, with a high near 86."

Naruto zoned out for a second, but once Sasuke stopped talking he sucked down his six dollar iced gay unicorn diabetes latte and said "That's very interes-ghuch-ting! Cough cough."

"Is that so?" said Sasuke. "You know, I come from a community college for marketing. I'm following in the footsteps of my idol, Billy Mays."

"Billy Mays?" said Naruto. "Of all the fucking people in the world you could have chosen from, why Billy Mays?"

"Because I can do his voice perfectly," said Sasuke. He cleared his throat and started. "HI! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXICLEAN, THE STAIN SPECIALIST, POWERED BY THE AIR YOU BREATH, ACTIVATED BY THE WATER THAT YOU AND I DRINK. IT'S MOTHER NATURE APPROVED AND SAFE ON YOUR COLORED FABRICS. USE IT ON CARPETS. OXICLEAN SEEKS OUT ORGANIC STAINS, PET STAINS, FOOD STAINS. IT GETS DOWN INTO THE MATTING, INTO THE PADDING. IT EVEN TAKES RED WINE AND GRAPE JUICE OUT OF WHITE CARPETING. IT CLEANS, IT BRIGHTENS, IT ELIMINATES ODORS ALL AT THE SAME TIME. DON'T JUST GET IT CLEAN, GET IT OXICLEAN. MAKE A PASTE. MAKE IT TEN TIMES AS POWERFUL! THE LONGER YOU LET IT SET, THE EASIER IT IS. IT WILL WHITEN YOUR GROUT AND GET RID OF THE TOUGHEST STAINS. SOMETIMES SOAKING IS THE SOLUTION. IF YOU USE BLEACH YOU SHOULD HAVE READ NARUTO INSTEAD! BLEACH SUCKS! OXICLEAN WON'T HURT THE MATERIAL - EVEN LACE! IT HAS THE POWER OF BLEACH WITHOUT THE DAMAGING SIDE OF CHLORINE. WHEN YOUR LAUNDRY DETERGENT ISN'T ENOUGH, SUPER CHARGE IT WITH OXICLEAN. ONE SCOOP IN WITH EVERY LOAD OF LAUNDRY, IT WILL MAKE YOUR WHITES WHITER. IT WILL MAKE YOUR BRIGHTS BRIGHTER. AS A STAIN REMOVER, IT'S THE BEST! GRASS STAINS? CLAY STAINS? HAIL SATAN! OXICLEAN, THE STAIN SPECIALIST. WE SOLD MILLIONS OF OUR TWO-AND-A-HALF POUND TUBS FOR $39.90. BUT IF YOU CALL NOW, WE'LL CUT THE PRICE IN HALF, ONLY $19.95. YOU'LL ALSO RECEIVE A COFFEE ENEMA AND A TUB OF LARD. IF YOU CALL DURING THIS SHOW, YOU'LL RECEIVE A FREE BOTTLE OF OUR WORLD FAMOUS ORANGE CLEAN, MADE WITH PURE ORANGE NINJA. IT CUTS THROUGH THE GREASE AND THE GRIME AND ALL OF GRANDPA'S CUM STAINS WHEN HE'S DONE WITH HIS HOOKERS. WHETHER IT'S BAKED ON IN THE OVEN OR CAKED ON OVER THE STOVE. YOU GET ALL THIS FOR JUST $19.95. BUT CALL IN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES, AND WE'LL SUPERSIZE YOUR OXICLEAN FROM A TWO-AND-A-HALF POUND TUB TO A WHOPPING SIX POUND BUCKET! NEARLY TRIPLE THE ORDER, BUT YOU HAVE TO CALL NOW."

"Yeah, that's really impressive and all, but I'm seventeen and you're eighteen, and this story is going to be flagged for pedophilia. So. Bye," said Naruto, leaving this vanilla as fuck Bee Ell story forever.

"You know. I don't even care. Lattes fucking suck," said Sasuke. "But not as much as Bleach."

So Sasuke took a trip to the convenience store in Codswallop, Idaho, buying gallons and gallons of ammonia, a gas mask, and a bag of Funyuns.

After he done did that, he took a long drive over to Bleach, and when he got there he put on his mask and poured the ammonia, killing every resident of Bleach instantly, and Ichigo could see them all. So many dead people. He was immune because shounen bullshit who cares you'll read it. But now he was surrounded head to toe by the souls of the dead, and they all watched him masturbate.

But he still didn't hook up with Rukia, though, and that's funny.

"What other mayhem could I cause?" said Sucksuke with a grin.

So he went over to One Piece and he told Luffy "tl;dr" and Luffy said "fair" and that was the end of that, and that was hella boring.

So he went over to Fairy Tail next and he told Lucy "no thanks, I'm gay" and got naked with what's his face, the naked one. You know the one. Anyway, gay shit happened, and then Sasuke was done, so he went to Gundam SEED: Destiny and decided right in the middle of the plot that he'd have his own monologue. This was what he said:

"Stupidity is a lack of intelligence, understanding, reason, wit or sense. Stupidity may be innate, assumed or reactive – a defense against grief[1] or trauma.[2]

Contents

1 Etymology  
2 Definition  
3 Laws of Stupidity  
4 Playing stupid  
5 Intellectual stupidity  
6 Persisting in folly  
7 In culture  
7.1 In comedy  
7.2 In literature  
7.3 In film  
7.4 Awards  
8 See also  
9 References  
10 Further reading  
11 External links

Etymology  
Engraving after Pieter Breughel the Elder, 1556. caption: Al rijst den esele ter scholen om leeren, ist eenen esele hij en zal gheen peert weder keeren (Even if the Ass travels to school to learn, as a horse he will not return)

The root word stupid,[3] which can serve as an adjective or noun, comes from the Latin verb stupere, for being numb or astonished, and is related to stupor.[4] In Roman culture, the stupidus was the professional fall-guy in the theatrical mimes.[5]

According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the words "stupid" and "stupidity" entered the English language in 1541. Since then, stupidity has taken place along with "fool," "idiot," "dumb," "moron," and related concepts as a pejorative appellation for human misdeeds, whether purposeful or accidental, due to absence of mental capacity.  
Definition

Stupidity is a quality or state of being stupid, or an act or idea that exhibits properties of being stupid.[6] In a character study of "The Stupid Man" attributed to the Greek philosopher Theophrastus (c. 371 – c. 287 BC), stupidity was defined as "mental slowness in speech or action". The modern English word "stupid" has a broad range of application, from being slow of mind (indicating a lack of intelligence, care or reason), dullness of feeling or sensation (torpidity, senseless, insensitivity), or lacking interest or point (vexing, exasperating). It can either imply a congenital lack of capacity for reasoning, or a temporary state of daze, or slow-mindedness.

In Understanding Stupidity, James F. Welles defines stupidity this way: "The term may be used to designate a mentality which is considered to be informed, deliberate and maladaptive." Welles distinguishes stupidity from ignorance; one must know they are acting in their own worst interest. Secondly, it must be a choice, not a forced act or accident. Lastly, it requires the activity to be maladaptive, in that it is in the worst interest of the actor, and specifically done to prevent adaption to new data or existing circumstances."[7]  
Laws of Stupidity

Carlo Maria Cipolla, an economic historian, is famous for his essays about human stupidity, such as "The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity".[8][9][10] He viewed stupid people as a group, more powerful by far than major organizations such as the Mafia and the industrial complex, which without regulations, leaders or manifesto nonetheless manages to operate to great effect and with incredible coordination.

These are Cipolla's five fundamental laws of stupidity:

Always and inevitably each of us underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.  
The probability that a given person is stupid is independent of any other characteristic possessed by that person.  
A person is stupid if they cause damage to another person or group of people without experiencing personal gain, or even worse causing damage to themselves in the process.  
Non-stupid people always underestimate the harmful potential of stupid people; they constantly forget that at any time anywhere, and in any circumstance, dealing with or associating themselves with stupid individuals invariably constitutes a costly error.  
A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person there is.

Playing stupid

Eric Berne described the game of "Stupid" as having "the thesis...'I laugh with you at my own clumsiness and stupidity.'"[11] He points out that the player has the advantage of lowering other people's expectations, and so evading responsibility and work; but that he or she may still come through under pressure, like the proverbially stupid younger son.[12]

Wilfred Bion considered that psychological projection created a barrier against learning anything new, and thus its own form of pseudo-stupidity.[13]  
Intellectual stupidity

Otto Fenichel maintained that "quite a percentage of so-called feeble-mindedness turns out to be pseudo-debility, conditioned by inhibition ... Every intellect begins to show weakness when affective motives are working against it".[14] He suggests that "people become stupid ad hoc, that is, when they do not want to understand, where understanding would cause anxiety or guilt feeling, or would endanger an existing neurotic equilibrium."[15]

In rather different fashion, Doris Lessing argued that "there is no fool like an intellectual ... a kind of clever stupidity, bred out of a line of logic in the head, nothing to do with experience."[16]  
Persisting in folly

In the Romantic reaction to Enlightenment wisdom, a valorisation of the irrational, the foolish, and the stupid emerged, as in William Blake's dictum that "if the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise;"[17] or Jung's belief that "it requires no art to become stupid; the whole art lies in extracting wisdom from stupidity. Stupidity is the mother of the wise, but cleverness never."[18]

Similarly, Michel Foucault argued for the necessity of stupidity to re-connect with what our articulate categories exclude, to recapture the alterity of difference.[19]  
In culture  
A stereotyped image of American stupidity (later claimed by MAD Magazine to become Alfred E. Neuman), used in an editorial critical of abolishing the poll tax in the American South, with a caption showing the person wants to vote but is too ignorant to understand what voting means  
In comedy

The fool or buffoon has been a central character in much comedy. Alford and Alford found that humor based on stupidity was prevalent in "more complex" societies as compared to some other forms of humor.[20] Some analysis of Shakespeare's comedy has found that his characters tend to hold mutually contradictory positions; because this implies a lack of careful analysis it indicates stupidity on their part.[21]

Today there is a wide array of television shows that showcase stupidity such as The Simpsons.[22] Goofball comedy refers to a class of naive, zany humour typified by actor Leslie Nielsen.[23][24]  
In literature

The first book in English on stupidity was A Short Introduction to the History of Stupidity by Walter B. Pitkin (1932):

Stupidity can easily be proved the supreme Social Evil. Three factors combine to establish it as such. First and foremost, the number of stupid people is legion. Secondly, most of the power in business, finance, diplomacy and politics is in the hands of more or less stupid individuals. Finally, high abilities are often linked with serious stupidity.[25]

According to In Search of Stupidity: Over Twenty Years of High Tech Marketing Disasters, (2003) by Merrill R. Chapman:

The claim that high-tech companies are constantly running into 'new' and 'unique' situations that they cannot possibly be expected to anticipate and intelligently resolve is demonstrably false ... The truth is that technology companies are constantly repeating the same mistakes with wearying consistency ... and many of the stupid things these companies do are completely avoidable.

"While In Search of Excellence turned out to be a fraud, In Search of Stupidity is genuine, and no names have been changed to protect the guilty," according to one reviewer.[26]  
In film

Stupidity was a 2003 movie directed by Albert Nerenberg.[27] It depicted examples and analyses of stupidity in modern society and media, and sought "to explore the prospect that willful ignorance has increasingly become a strategy for success in the realms of politics and entertainment."[28]

Idiocracy, a Mike Judge film from 2006, explored a dystopian future America where a person of average IQ is cryogenically frozen and wakes up 500 years later to find that mankind, increasingly dependent on technology built by previous generations that it does not properly maintain or understand, has regressed in intelligence to the standards of current-era mental retardation, and that he has become the de facto smartest person on Earth. Americans have become so stupid that society faces famine and collapse, and according to Pete Vonder Haar of Film Threat, "...each laugh is tempered with the unsettling realization that [Judge's] vision of mankind's future might not be too far off the mark."[29]  
Awards

The Darwin Awards honour people who ensure the long-term survival of the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool in a sublimely idiotic fashion.

The World Stupidity Awards are granted in several categories: statement, situation, trend, achievement; man, movie, and media outlet.[30]  
See also

Anti-intellectualism  
Borderline intellectual functioning  
Bounded rationality  
Dumbing down  
Dunning–Kruger effect  
Dysrationalia  
Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds  
Genius  
Gullibility  
Hanlon's razor  
Idiot (person)  
Ignorance  
Illusory superiority  
In Praise of Folly  
IQ  
Pigasus Award  
The Dunciad"

The End 


End file.
